|"Kat, are you my girl?"|
“Kat,” Jason whispered in my ear.
In a euphoric daze, I lifted my head off Jason's chest to encounter an intense look in his green eyes.
“I love you.”
“Huh?” I articulately grunted as I snapped my head up with a start. Way to snap a girl out of her post-orgasm fog.
“I love you.”
Always the graceful one in such moments, I impulsively covered his mouth with my hand and looked away. “Don’t say that. Don’t say that right now. I can’t…”
The next day, Jason would refer to this moment as “the big I Love You Fail.”
Other than my wonderful father and brother, only two guys have told me that they loved me: Max and the boyfriend I lost my virginity to in 1998. Now, here I was, only seeing Jason for about six weeks and he claims he’s in love with me.
Jason has been trying hard for weeks to get me to commit on some level, and I just can’t/won't. In fairness, I made it quite clear from the first very date that I needed things to go slowly and I was NOT looking for a relationship. Meanwhile, he has steadily fallen for me and hasn’t been shy about telling me.
- He has asked repeatedly if I’m “his girl.” I say I’m my own girl.
- He asked me to come to a family party. I said I wasn’t ready for that.
- He asked when he might meet my parents. I said it would take a LONG ASS TIME for any guy to meet my parents.
- He asked if I would ever want to get married again. I said I didn’t even want to hear the M word anytime soon.
On the other hand, we spend a lot of time together. Since he works late at the restaurant, we have a lot of sleepovers. He stays asleep in my bed after I go to work. Since I’ve moved into my apartment he’s come over most Sundays for dinner. I told him I’m not dating or sleeping with anyone else. And I will tell you, dear readers, that sometimes I wish I could take the way he makes me feel and wrap myself up in him. A Jason Blanket, if you will.
Here’s the real kicker, given the marriage I just got out of: we have incredible sex and a lot of it. Not surprisingly, we cannot get enough of it! It’s like nothing either of us have ever had. It can be sweet, it can be dirty, it can sensitive, and it can be a little rough. I’m just guessing, but I don’t think this kind of sexual compatibility is easy to come by. It is so good I'm naming it!!
I think the Incredible Sex is the best and worst thing that could happen to us. You see, I don’t picture Jason and me together for the long haul. For me, he’s a sweet, funny guy who makes me feel special and very, very sexy right now. What more do I need than a Mr. Right Now? And I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk away from Incredible Sex if I don’t have to. (Hmmm, am I the worst person ever?)
Jason sees me as wife material, maybe in part because I’m the first woman he’s dated who actually has her life in order and doesn’t have daddy issues or whatever. Honestly I don’t know how he can think that we have a real future when we’re so different, and in ways that I’m certain would eventually drive us apart. I can’t help but wonder if the Incredible Sex is making him believe that his feelings for me are stronger than they really are? I don’t know.
I found out today, one week after the I Love You Fail, that the two month mark is “Judgment Day,” which I assume is when he is going to tell me that either I need to commit to being His Girl or I go back to my vibrator. Sadly, I will probably have to let him dump me. I want to be with him, but I don’t want him to waste his time with me either, given that I know he wants to get married, have kids, and do all that crap that sounds unappealing and suffocating to me right now.
So this leaves me in a weird spot. He tells me he loves me – still! – and I just don’t answer. I want to be with him now even though I see no future for us (but he clearly does).
As Jason says, “Shit happens.”
Have you dated someone who loved you but you didn’t feel the same way? Or, have you been the one with my stronger feelings than the other person? How did you handle the imbalance?